After returning from a terrific get-away vacation to Costa Rica that was gifted to us in July, Joy had an accident at work. She was stuck with a needle from a patient with Hepatitis C. We should get the six-week screening back this week, which will tell us if Joy has the disease. So we’ve been dealing with this scare for the last five weeks.
Then, last week happened. Two days before the three-month anniversary of Maggie’s passing, Joy called me at work to tell me she was on her way to the doctor. She had miscarried her pregnancy at eight weeks. We hadn’t even told our families the awesome news and it was already over. We’re still in the initial stages of mourning the loss of our first child and our new source for joy was taken away.
Yes, it was very soon. We hadn’t intended to be pregnant that quickly, but we felt so blessed knowing that we might get to be parents again, something we had only done for 26 days. We had our first ultrasound in hand and were so excited to tell our families over the Labor Day weekend.
After the doctor confirmed the loss of the baby I took Joy to the surgery center for a D&C surgery. The doctor was hopeful that the tissue recovered from the surgery would be helpful in genetic testing to solve our questions on why two pregnancies have been so problematic.
Joy feels well physically, which is a true blessing, but I don’t think either of us has figured out where we are mentally and emotionally. I really can’t describe what the last three months have been like since Maggie’s death, and now adding the loss of another expected life has taken even more out of me. I’m often asked how we are doing, or if things are changing. I really don’t have an answer most of the time.
The only way I can describe my last three months is with the word survival. I honestly feel like I have little to offer and I’ve been struggling through each day. My complete efforts are thrown into my attempts to be a good husband and a good employee, and there is so little time for anything else. I’m physically exhausted all of the time and emotional exhaustion doesn’t help anything.
Music has been my escape and my healer. I’ve had a really difficult time finding anything that relaxes me and helps relieve stress, and music has been the only success. I can close my eyes and escape into a beautiful song that has passion and soul, and that has been the most successful way for me to release the pain and grief.
It seems like a natural reaction for people to offer reasons for our suffering. There’s never a shortage of explanations of God’s plans and what he wants for us, and it’s more often than not that these words are more hurtful than helpful. I know people want to help, but words rarely do. Knowing people love us and care for us is terribly important right now. Simplicity is the key.
So, here is my conclusion. It may be a repeat of what I’ve written in the past, and it may be common knowledge to many of you, but it’s a realization that is becoming more and more real to me every day – something I have to keep reminding myself of.
God didn’t make decisions to take Maggie and our second pregnancy away from us. He didn’t decide that we couldn’t handle it, or that it was too soon, or that it was a better ministry for us to suffer and share with others. I truly don’t believe this is how God works, mostly because of God’s word. We live in a broken world that is filled with sin, and John 12 calls Satan the prince of this world. He is in charge and he has the ability to do terrible things. I believe that is why we have grief and suffering.
God, on the other hand, is actively involved in our lives when we invite him to be. He can use terrible things that happen to us and bring good out of them, but I believe that is contingent on our willingness to let go and allow Him to be in control. Those of you who attended Maggie’s funeral heard a few of the many stories of people whose lives were changed by our story.
So, now we have a fully furnished nursery that is sitting empty and questions about our genetic ability to have a healthy baby. We should have results back from those tests in about two weeks. On top of that, Joy’s long-term health is in question. The only thing we can do is wake up each morning and thank God for yet another day and another chance to glorify Him. This is why we are on this earth, after all.
I beg you for your continued prayers. Even without the added stress of a health scare and a lost pregnancy our hearts are still deeply drenched in pain. Please pray for our willingness to continue letting God be in control of our lives, as well as the healing of our hearts.