Before I get started I want to again thank everyone who has kept us and our little girl at the feet of God through prayer. We are slowly learning the meaning of the words trust and faith while battling Satan's attacks every day. It's pretty easy to listen to his daily suggestion to worry and think only about the terrible things that could happen, but we are battling every day - only through God's power - to trust in the Lord and take this one day at a time.
Joy has been doing this for a while, but my newest resolution is to cherish every day we have with our baby girl. I regularly get on my knees to talk to her through Joy's stomach, and thanks to the encouragement of our good friend Genevieve we are consciously making the effort to give Mabee wonderful experiences with new foods and views. We want to spend as much quality time with her as we can, not knowing what God's plan is for her.
About a week and a half ago we went to see our specialist for an in depth check up on Mabee. We spent nearly an hour looking at her through ultrasound, which was great, but the news that came back was a little tough to handle. When he came into the room one of the first things he said was, "I am a glass half full guy, but I have to be honest and tell you that your risk of still birth is very, very high." The first very was enough, but the second one (which I wrote down in my notes) really hit home. He doesn't think she's going to make it and that was his way of saying it.
His issue wasn't with any of the problems we already knew about, this time it's her size. At her age she should be growing at 100 grams per week. She is only gaining 80 each week. Eighty percent isn't so bad right? Well, the way they measure her weight is with physical measurements or her body, and her abdomen is swollen from the kidney cysts and extra fluid. So the weight of 1 pound 11 ounces they gave her is probably a little more than she really is.
Everything else was status quo. There was a little bit of good news - the fluid in her abdomen was very minimal. We were pleased to hear that. He was most worried about her stunted growth. If her growth slows more, or even stops, there will have to be some decisions made. Do we deliver early to try to give medical science a chance? Do we let her stay inside and trust that God has designed a gestation process that works for babies that are fit to survive in the world? These of course are only hypothetical questions and I REALLY don't want 50 people giving suggestions on what to do, but they are real questions that may have to be answered. Very scary questions.
So here is my daily prayer:
God, I trust you. You have been faithful to your people for thousands of years in their successes and failures. In our weakness you are faithful to discipline us and lead us down the right path, and in our triumphs you are faithfully glorified. Be faithful now and hear this prayer.
Please take away any decisions we may be required to make on behalf of Mabee's life. You are the God who gives life and takes it away. Please be the one who makes this decision. If this child, this little girl you have blessed us with is meant to live in this world, please make that evident to us. Please let her live until it is safe to deliver her.
I'm scared of making decisions God. Every day I ask you to be in control of my life, and I know you are in control of this process. Please take us out of it.