For the first time in 14 months that were all focused solely on troubled pregnancy, miscarriage, and the never knowing and always wondering that accompanies a still flickering faith, we have the opportunity to take a deep breath and relax.
This new opportunity brings me to a new step in my healing and my faith. I know nothing in this world has been promised to me accept the love of my Savior and the grace he promised me through salvation. So why do I expect this child to be completely healthy? God doesn’t owe me anything. Yet I still have the expectation of a healthy baby that will live a full life.
I never thought about the term “expecting parent” until recently when my wife wrote a great post about it on her blog. We set expectations on so many things, especially children. This causes me to think even more critically about everything. Is there anything (other than the DMV) that we don’t expect to go well? Should we expect disaster and be grateful when it doesn’t strike?
A new friend introduced me to a great blog recently thanks to a series of posts entitled When a Child Dies. If you want to know what to say, what not to say, or how to act and love on someone who has lost a child, this is a fantastic resource. If you've ever thought you didn't know what to say to me or Joy, PLEASE read this blog. Mike lost his daughter years ago but is able to speak honestly and beautifully about the pain and the struggles. At first I was really interested in his next post, there are 8 so far, but by the second post I was more interested in hearing the comments that were posted by parents who are “part of the club.”
Story after story told of loss, hurt and a terrible struggle to climb back into life. I know that feeling. Others tell of the loneliness. I know this one very well too.
So, as I’ve been trained to do, I took my recent spiritual filter (expectation) and held it up to all of these stories and my current life. What expectations should we have for our family? What about our church family? Should we be able to expect anything there? I find myself feeling guilty about the expectations I have for others that haven’t been met. My mind has officially become a muddled mess of questions and exhaustion.
Tomorrow morning I go in for a shoulder surgery to have a torn labrum repaired. It’s had me in a lot of pain for a while now, so I figured I better get it fixed now so after the 4 ½ month recovery I can hold my baby girl! I’m excited to have four days away from work while I’m healing, but this of course means laying in my recliner for four days. Thinking. My mind is like a small terrier left inside for too long. Without constant attention it runs wild and tears things up. Prayers would be appreciated.