Before I delve into the great depths that are my thoughts, I must share a good piece of news. As most of you know Joy is pregnant again - this being the third time in the last nine months - and we had our 20-week appointment on Monday. In the words of the doctor, “I can deem this a completely normal pregnancy.” Praise God!

For the first time in 14 months that were all focused solely on troubled pregnancy, miscarriage, and the never knowing and always wondering that accompanies a still flickering faith, we have the opportunity to take a deep breath and relax.

This new opportunity brings me to a new step in my healing and my faith. I know nothing in this world has been promised to me accept the love of my Savior and the grace he promised me through salvation. So why do I expect this child to be completely healthy? God doesn’t owe me anything. Yet I still have the expectation of a healthy baby that will live a full life.

I never thought about the term “expecting parent” until recently when my wife wrote a great post about it on her blog. We set expectations on so many things, especially children. This causes me to think even more critically about everything. Is there anything (other than the DMV) that we don’t expect to go well? Should we expect disaster and be grateful when it doesn’t strike?

A new friend introduced me to a great blog recently thanks to a series of posts entitled When a Child Dies. If you want to know what to say, what not to say, or how to act and love on someone who has lost a child, this is a fantastic resource. If you've ever thought you didn't know what to say to me or Joy, PLEASE read this blog. Mike lost his daughter years ago but is able to speak honestly and beautifully about the pain and the struggles. At first I was really interested in his next post, there are 8 so far, but by the second post I was more interested in hearing the comments that were posted by parents who are “part of the club.”

Story after story told of loss, hurt and a terrible struggle to climb back into life. I know that feeling. Others tell of the loneliness. I know this one very well.

So, as I’ve been trained to do, I took my recent spiritual filter (expectation) and held it up to all of these stories and my current life. What expectations show we have for our family? What about our church family? Should we be able to expect anything there? I find myself feeling guilty about the expectations I have for others that haven’t been met. My mind has officially become a muddled mess of questions and exhaustion.

Tomorrow morning I go in for a shoulder surgery to have a torn labrum repaired. It’s had me in a lot of pain for a while now, so I figured I better get it fixed now so after the 4 ½ month recovery I can hold my baby girl! I’m excited to have four days away from work while I’m healing, but this of course means laying in my recliner for four days. Thinking. My mind is like a small terrier left inside for too long. Without constant attention it runs wild and tears things up. Prayers would be appreciated.

 


Comments

David Grant
02/16/2012 15:09

Stephen,
You and Joy have been on my prayer list for months. I will continue to pray. I am excited to hear about the recent appointment and the doctor's determination. Praying for healing for you in the next few weeks and continued health for Joy and the baby.
David

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Teresa
02/16/2012 16:33

...and I expect you to know that you, Joy, Maggie, and your other two daughters are loved by me! You all are ever in my heart before our Father!

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Joy
02/16/2012 18:01

Thank you Theresa for always remembering our miscarriage too. No one else has done that as you have. So appreciated.

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Kylee Selby Brandt
02/17/2012 13:16

It sounds like your surgery went well and I wish you a speedy recovery. I am so thrilled for you and Joy that you have this new opportunity to expand on your parenthood... may the baby be blessed with all the hope, faith, joy :), beauty and wisdom of her parents.
Congratulations Colwells! Our church in Tualatin, OR still prays for your family.
Blessings,
Kylee

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Susan
02/21/2012 08:11

I was overjoyed to read the news about the baby! We have been praying for you since before Maggie was born and will continue to lift you all up in prayer now for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and delivery of this precious little girl. We'll pray also specifically for you now (your surgery and your thoughts and healing). Your family is dearly loved even though we don't know you personally. God bless you!

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